This is something I wrote in the car on the way to DC to avoid working on my novella. I'm no poet, but I would like some feedback on it either way. I'm willing to take any kind of criticism at this point, especially because I know I'm truly not that good at poetry. This is a voice I never wrote in before, though, so tell me how it is! Thanks in advance!
*REVISED!*
Why Do You?
By Romance Otaku ( http://romanceotaku.com/ )
Why do you run?
Chasing that glittering rainbow in the sky
Refusing to have fun
Watching those around you die
You ignore
Is it that you just don't care?
You try to accomplish so much with a body so sore
It's for the good of us all, you swear
Why do you fight?
You cover up all your scars
Fact is, you won't get what you want tonight
Your goals will never be achieved under these stars
Friendship you reject
Your worst enemy is your mortality
But you know the world is correct
Yet you refuse to admit to reality
Why do you keep chasing your dreams?
“Why not?” you ask
Impossible, it seems
You replace your mask
The mask that hides
Reality, mortality, and
Your pride
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Canary word: Present
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Hi romance otaku, CaptianRandom here.
sorry but i didn't really like this poem, i was confused about what you were talking about, i didn't really get it. It was long for a poem like this but good spacing. If you added something that just goes BANG in your face with it i think it would be better. well that's just my opinion.
-CaptianRandom.
Not many fantasy/paranormal fans around here, are there? Oh well... The idea was based around the "Chasing the rainbow in the sky" line. The idea was that it was about a person who chased her dream, which was to save those around her ("watching those around you die"), and because she focused ("you ignore") so much on her dream to save her friends/society she began to ignore them, especially their pleas for her to stop before she hurts herself (her body is sore and she has scars).
Its definitely a good start. The meaning could be a little clearer. I think you are saying that this person is chasing unreachable dreams. I like how you are taking a difference stance on hard to reach dreams, most would say go for it. Also the first stanza is a bit...rough, it just doesn't flow as well. I'm not sure if I agree with what you are saying, but I think you should keep going.
I just revised the poem. How is it now?
This is good, but there are a few points where it could improve. It is a bit difficult to follow. When you say "watch those around you die" in the first verse it's as if the subject of the poem is only waiting to die and it is necessary to sustain how we live. But later into the poem you say that the person cannot face the fact that they are going to die and the "worst enemy is your mortality." You contradict yourself at a couple points in it, but those could easily be fixed. This poem has a very fantastic idea and I am quite possibly misunderstanding. I think you can make this clearer as to what it's about.
I must say, I'm rather confused. Isn't it fun to "chase that glittering rainbow in the sky"? If "life is such a bore", how can it be "for the good of us all"? If your audience is so pessimistic, why does he continue to chase his dreams? Either I am completely missing the point, or the poem could be phrased more consisely. Other than that, I liked the rhyme scheme and I enjoyed the loose meter. This definitely does not seem like your first bit of poetry; it is far too good for that!